So predictable, I know!
But I feel this need to just run through all these messy, jumbled thoughts in my head.
I will just get this out once and for all.
Truth is, I am not looking forward to 2009. At all.
Truth is, I wish the new year won't come.
Why? 'Cause 2009 will bring about some vast changes, which I am not (and will never be) prepared for.
I have been avoiding talking about it (or even thinking about it), but well, the thing is, Teeny is going to Melbourne next year. In February, in fact.
I am sure it's not a secret that I am very very close to my sisters, and it scares me so much that 1/3 of us will be breaking away. :( Like, who's going to have midnight chats with me and Jing. Who's going to buy Tesco things for me in my times of dire need. :(
I know I know, it's not like she is going to be gone forever, there will be summer breaks, there will be the Melbourne holiday (Winter/Spring '09 yo). And it's not like I didn't leave for Melbourne myself 2 years back.
But what frightens me is the fact that... they will all leave. Teeny going off next year, and Jing would be following suit the year after, probably to Aussie, or maybe even further, to UK. And by that time, it would be me all alone. :(
How did you girls did it when I left? :(
The boyfriend and I were having an argument in the car that day, 'cause he said I don't even spend enough time with him, and it sparked off this confession from me, of how I am just trying to spend as much time with my sisters as I can, before they go abroad, and I just started crying then and there. :(
You know how when you were young, you think that people you love will be with you forever? But when you grow up, you find that it's not true. It is a very realistic thinking that I have to accept... That Teeny may fall in love with Australia, and decide to reside there, like so many of my friends. If not Australia, maybe another country, another continent. For Jing, her boyfriend is in Canada, I have to envision that someday she might stay there as well.
They are all very very real thoughts. And they scare me. :( I want the very best for my sisters, and if their hearts and destinies are in somewhere very far away from me, I wish them all the best. But at the same time, I just want to be selfish and keep them near to me. I want to go back to the time when we all sit in our playroom and play Barbie dolls and we were together. :(
I have mixed feelings about 2008: on one hand, I feel that it flew past really quickly; on the other hand, I feel that the year seemed to go by so much slower than previous years.
I guess it's 'cause for the first half of the year I was just bumming and chilling and enjoying my life; whereas for the second half of the year, I embarked on the next phase of my life: working my butt away. Both phases felt like two separate lifetimes, which I guess to a certain extent is true. Which is why I feel that 2008 took forever. But at the same time, sometimes it scares me just how time flies when I work. It's like Monday blues then boom boom boom yahoo weekend and the cycle repeats itself.
I can't say that 2008 was a 100% happy year-- largely due to my work. Surprise surprise, I don't love what I do. But, on the bright side of things, I got to know myself better. I always thought that with my materialistic tendencies and my penchant for finer things in life, I am one to sacrifice my passions/beliefs just to rake in more moolah. But I found out that that is not true. It turns out that I am simpler than I thought. :) And because of this newfound knowledge of myself, I am empowered to make some changes in my life. Maybe not in the near near future, I am too practical for that. But god, give me courage to step out of my comfort zone.
I don't usually make new year resolutions. Firstly, they never work. And secondly, I am too happy/contented with the way I am that I never really felt the need to change anything of myself.
But I think 2009 calls for some action on my part. And well, mostly for my well being.
1. I need to eat well, sleep well, exercise well. Since I have started work, heck, since I started uni for that matter, my lifestyle has taken a serious shift for the worse. I sleep at 3-4am, wake up around noon or even later sometimes. I eat fast food way too often for my own good. I have stopped exercising since I came to Singapore. I don't eat enough fruits. I don't moisturise enough. I just don't do enough. And that needs to stop. 'Cause I am my biggest asset, I am the machine that I am, and if I don't take care of myself, no one will. :)
2. My wellbeing also has to do with my social side. I have to admit, I have become quite the recluse lately. Especially with my work piling up... sleep and me-time just seems so much more appealing. I must make a conscious effort in my existing friendships, and also in forming new ones. Age is making me lazy when it comes to making new friends-- 'cause I know almost instantaneously whether I can click with a certain person. But what I don't know is that sometimes my judgement can be wrong! So bad hui wen, must change that. I used to be a much better friend, what has happened to that, sigh.
3. I need to do more things that I love. And I don't mean shopping, haha. I used to love making crafts and just getting my hands dirty, what has happened to that. I just need to be more aware and conscious of myself, if that makes any sense. I don't really know how to put it into words, it's quite abstract. :)
4. This is sort of a no-brainer, but I need to shop less! This whole year has just been one massive shopping ride, and I think it's time I say stop. The boyfriend went into my room that day, and he told me that if his mom saw my room, she would never ever let him marry me wtf. And he told me that when we get married, he is only going to let me own 500 clothing items at any one point. Which is why I am looking for a new boyfriend WTF. Jokes aside, I still love clothes and all things beautiful, but I need to be more cautious that's all. Just a little bit more control. :)
5. Be happy. This one is quite personal, like point 3. It's not that I am not happy now or anything.. But I need to find back that inner peace and just that omnipresent happiness radiating inside of me... I used to have that, but work has made me an angsty person. And I don't like that. I am born to be a happy person, and to make people around me happy, and I musn't let that change. :)
I feel better now that I have rambled out some of my thoughts... Maybe I am prepared for 2009 after all. :)